I wrote this 8 years ago and for the most part it still applies on this, the last day of 2017.
New Year! New Me? Not likely.
After 62 new beginnings, I’ll never change. I’ll never mature. Would a mature woman watch South Park every night and impersonate Eric Cartman? “No, kitty! My pot pie!”
A woman of my age with my income is supposed to wear polyester pantsuits chock full of extra stretch. I may have a fat ass, but I wear faded jeans with holes in them. Mature women wear functional bras. I rip my bra off in the parking lot after work and would gladly strangle any customer with it who approaches me when I’m off the clock.
A mature woman wouldn’t do what I did today. A co-worker from Pennsylvania informed me that the tradition in her home is to serve sauerkraut and pork on the first day of the year. I suggested that sauerkraut tasted like cabbage boiled in cat urine, and then stuffed up the ass of a week-long dead body, which is then eaten by a starving dog, who eventually shits it out, apparently onto a plate at her house. She suggested that the Southern tradition of eating black-eyed peas is gross.
So, it’s another new year and time to make and break resolutions. I have only one resolution this year, but it’s my own personal Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
Let it go!
That’s my resolution. But if I have to let go of all the anger – all the grudges – all the resentment – all the anxiety – all the fear – all the revenge schemes…where is it going to go?
#1 – I better go for that two-mile walk if I don’t want my head to explode like some shit in every other scene of a John Woo film.
#2 – That walk actually energized me and now I feel like lifting some weights and maybe even doing some crunches.
#3 – After all that working out, my faded old jeans don’t fit anymore, but I can’t even get in the spare room where all my smaller jeans are stored in boxes. It’s time to finally organize that damn mess.
#4 – Would you look at this room? I can see the floor for the first time in years! My books are neatly stocked on the shelves of a bookcase. It’s time to get back to reading.
#5 – That book sucked! I could write something that dreadful.
#6 – I’d wish all of you a Happy New Year, but I’m busy writing.
(Disclaimer: None of this actually happened.)