#StevenSeagal + #Putin = Gross

STEVEN SEAGAL PUTIN

Testosterone-Fueled Bromance Between These Two Assholes Makes Me Feel All Warm and Fuzzy

Apparently Steven Seagal has run off to be a Russian citizen so he can criticize American citizens who exercise their right to peacefully protest racial inequality.

I try to ignore Steven Seagal, but did watch Piers Morgan interview him on Good Morning Britain.  Just looking at Seagal reminds me it’s time to take a shower.  It also reminded me I wrote a piece about him several years ago.

WEAR SUNGLASSES, YOU NO-TALENT BUFFOON

I recently discovered Steven Seagal has been moonlighting as a Deputy Sheriff in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana for the last twenty years. There is now a reality show called Lawman which follows his antics as he snaps the necks of beer-gutted domestic abusers and baggy pants wearing marijuana dealers. All done with his eyes scrunched shut and a Southern drawl.

Steven Seagal has always been a compelling figure in my life. Has anyone besides me seen the movie Executive Decision numerous times?

Plot synopsis: Terrorists + hijacked 747 + bomb + nerve agent + mid-air transfer of Army Special Forces + Oliver Platt (who saves the day by chewing on straw) + Halle Berry (for tits and ass appeal) + Kurt Russell (in a tuxedo – naturally!) – Steven Seagal = Movie Magic.

Steven Seagal plays his usual role as a squinty-eyed, bad motherfucker, Lt. Colonel Austin Travis. Isn’t it clever how by using only his name and without any background information, we all know he’s from Texas because of a scriptwriter’s penchant for the obvious?

I’ve watched this movie over and over again because it contains my all-time favorite movie scene. This scene is my favorite for two reasons.

1)  Steven Seagal gets sucked out of the plane without a parachute and plummets to his death.

2)  Steven Seagal gets sucked out of the plane without a parachute and plummets to his death in the first half hour of the movie.

I’ve never written a script, but the only thing that could possibly make this scene any better would be for the camera to follow him all the way to the ground. There must be countless close ups of wind resistance forcing his squinty eyes open. There has to be a microphone attached to his Special Forces uniform so we can hear him screaming like a porn star whose dick got caught in a snapping mouse trap on its way to a bored woman’s asshole. There should be more close ups of tears forcing themselves from his squinty eyes and rolling up his cheeks. (Cool effect.) Then in the greatest movie making magic of all – at least ten camera angles of his final SPLAT!

Cut!

 

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