The Satanic Blurbs

Note to readers:  While cleaning up some files, I ran across this essay I wrote years ago.  I’ve been a bookstore manager for 11 years and in the world of political book publishing, it seems to still be relevant.  I did update a few of these so-called authors.

A customer pitched a fit today because we weren’t featuring  Glenn Beck’s new book up front where everyone could easily observe it in all its glory. Apparently the pinko Commie book manager (that would be me) had hidden the book in the political science section where it belonged.

My associate politely explained the book had been featured every day on our bestseller table. After the second time he accused her of lying to him, she wisely realized the man wasn’t going to listen and decided to keep her mouth shut. She didn’t tell me this part, but I imagine she stood there wiping his spittle off her face and wishing him dead. A sane customer overheard their conversation, came around the corner and informed the man it could be found on the bestseller table. He led the way and pointed it out right where the liberal, left-wing, nut-job book manager (that would be me) put it the instant it hit its street date.

No apology was forthcoming from the irrational customer. I’m not surprised. I’ve found that people who buy certain books seem to take on the characteristics of the authors. I will never read Beck’s book as I’ve listened to enough of his bullshit on Fox News to last me until I break down and clean out my refrigerator. For those not familiar with my domestic habits, this equates to the time it would take for the nearest black hole to destroy the earth and it happens to be 1,600 light years from here.

I did take the time to read the blurbs on the book jacket and fell in love with one of them. It came from bestselling author Stephen King and originated in an Entertainment Weekly column he wrote. King’s blurb: Glenn Beck – Satan’s mentally challenged younger brother.

What fun it would be if all book jackets came with Satanic blurbs instead of praise. I hope with all my heart a conservative critic will write a Satanic blurb about one of my books. Until that day comes, here are some I’ve composed for books written by the usual suspects.

Bill Clinton – Satan’s testosterone-driven, unrepentant sex therapist.

Bill O’Reilly – Satan’s bullying and obviously impotent uncle.

Mike Huckabee – Satan’s mealy-mouth, incontinent dietician.

Sean Hannity – Satan’s homosexual hair stylist.

Newt Gingrich – Satan’s adulterous, misinformation professor.

Hillary Rodham Clinton – Satan’s overbearing, know-it-all nanny.

Dinesh D”Souza – Satan’s undocumented, bigoted gatekeeper.

Rush Limbaugh – Satan’s tubby, pointless brother-in-law.

Mitch McConnell – Satan’s overpaid first cousin once removed.

Ted Cruz – Satan’s mind-numbingly boring foster son.

Ann Coulter – Satan’s shrewish and badly dressed mistress/sister.

Al Sharpton – Satan’s self-serving, sanctimonious token friend.

Sarah Palin – Satan’s fluffer.

Donald Trump – Satan’s terminated CFO.

Lynne Cheney – Satan’s direct link to his dark Overlord.

                                                  The End

This is the last day you can get a copy of If I Can’t Wave Like a Princess I Must Be a Loser for FREE on Kindle.  Just click on the link.


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