The New Year seemed like a good time to scratch another item off my bucket list. I do everything ass-backwards, so when an opportunity presents itself, I add it to my very weird list. That’s how I ended up zip lining on Fremont Street in Vegas. The zip line was there and so was I, … Continue reading If You Can’t Spell Renaissance You Can’t Go to the Faire
Natural Baked Killers
Actual photo of my insides during the incident. This past Halloween I embarked on a two-hour road trip in my white-trash Toyota to attend an event which started at 9 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I rushed to the grocery store at 7 a.m. to buy some Fix-a-Flat™ and extra motor oil in case I got … Continue reading Natural Baked Killers
Tripping Over My Bucket List
I stumbled across this story which I wrote at least 6 years ago. Now I'm happily retired & still screwing up. Work is kicking my ass to the point where I fully expect to drop dead in front of a customer so rude he’ll probably kick me in the head and tell me to finish … Continue reading Tripping Over My Bucket List
Tree Therapy Haiku
2020 no you won’t beat me not today because I looked up
RBG
She fought so hard for me. She fought so hard for my daughter. I never even sent her a thank you card. Rest in well-deserved peace. We’ve got this.
Men, You Better Pause
Remember back in high school or college or in the parking lot at your job yesterday how paranoid that weed you smoked made you feel? Me either. I didn’t smoke weed, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know about paranoia. Karl Rove, George W. Bush’s Deputy Chief of Staff once walked directly behind me for … Continue reading Men, You Better Pause
Manifesto
agony i beat my breast with that thing you use to beat eggs what do you call it never mind nobody cares if my flip-flop soul is coming unraveled my ideological marx umbrella is ripped from the hand not holding that thing you use to beat eggs twisted beyond recognition by a satirical wind i … Continue reading Manifesto
Without the Moon
“Tyler, remember when Pops put that dead snake on the floor outside your bedroom door? Man, that thing must have been four feet long.” “Yeah, nothing like being raised by an alcoholic grandfather with a mean streak. Did I ever thank you, Olivia?” “For what?” “For sneaking into my room to warn me to act … Continue reading Without the Moon
Leave Troy the Fuck Alone
You know what's great about old people? Neither do I. Before the one old person who accidentally stumbles across this post while trying to FaceTime a grandchild berates me in the comment section, he or she should know I'm eligible for Medicare in 9 months. A couple of years ago, while shopping for walking shoes … Continue reading Leave Troy the Fuck Alone
Nope
New Year! New Me? Not likely. After 54 new beginnings, I'll never change. I'll never mature. Would a mature woman watch South Park every night and impersonate Eric Cartman?" No, kitty! My pot pie!" A woman of my age with my income is supposed to wear polyester pantsuits - the more stretchy the better. … Continue reading Nope
If You Want to Live, Keep Your Mouth Shut
When talking to pregnant women, some men display as much brain power and tact as a horny poodle humping a bobcat. Ninety-five percent of the men speaking to their wives are the soon-to-be fathers and the other five percent think they are the fathers.In an effort to ensure as many children as possible grow … Continue reading If You Want to Live, Keep Your Mouth Shut
Babble & Bite 