When talking to pregnant women, some men display as much brain power and tact as a horny poodle humping a bobcat. Ninety-five percent of the men speaking to their wives are the soon-to-be fathers and the other five percent think they are the fathers.In an effort to ensure as many children as possible grow up to be reared by intelligent, thoughtful and compassionate fathers; the following are some suggestions for men about what never to say to pregnant women, along with the proper responses from women.

Man:  Are you certain you’re not further along?

Woman:  Are you certain I signed our prenuptial agreement?

Man:  You’re one sexy fatass.

Woman:  You’re two repulsive dumbasses.

Man:  Are you sure there’s not another baby in there?

Woman:  Are you sure you know the way to the Holiday Inn?

Man:  It seems like only a few weeks ago you were slender and now look at you.

Woman:  It seems like only a few weeks ago you were at least as smart as a sea urchin and now listen to you.Did you suffer a traumatic brain injury in the meantime?

Man:  So what if the baby’s three weeks late?It’s no big deal if I stick in a couple of inches.

Woman:  A couple of inches are why I’m in this predicament in the first place.

ACCEPTABLE THINGS MEN SHOULD SAY TO PREGNANT WOMEN:

Let me introduce you to my replacement and his bank account.  Chris Hemsworth, meet your future wife. I’ve never been good enough for her.

Yesterday, I bought a million dollar life insurance policy which names you as the beneficiary. I’m going to take a hot bath now. Would you mind popping a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster for me?

Honey, would you like to watch while I place my penis in the sausage grinder? What’s that? You want to turn the handle?  Be my guest.